Saturday, September 17, 2011

How To Become a Contortionist

Do you want to become a contortionist?  If so, I can tell you how in 3 easy steps:

1)  Plant roses.
Of course, just planting one or two won't do.  You will need to plant around 100 or so to be truly successful.

 'Gee Whiz'

2) Wait.
The longer you wait, the greater the reward!
3)  Weed.
No tools allowed.  You will need to weed under, around, and through each rose bush by hand.  

Repeat as necessary.
It's this continual practice that will allow you to master the art of contortion.  To be a true master, you will also want to plant companion plantings around and under your roses.  Then repeat step 3 without stepping on or pulling up any of the companion plantings.  And be certain you plant the thorniest roses you can find. 

If you would like to become a contortionist without planting a rose garden, for a small fee I will allow you to weed my garden.  But be forewarned:  it may take many, many seasons for my garden to become weed free you to master this fine art and be allowed to graduate.


  1. I love Gee Whiz. She's a beauty.

    Cute post and you definitely have to be a contortionist if you want to keep clear of the thorns, which I never do.

    Have a great weekend.


  2. Pretty Rose and I am doing the contortionist myself here, only without being thorned in the process. :) We'll see what happens now that I've moved my Knockouts to a location they can grow as big as they want, I'm sure I'll be able to join your club.
    Cher Sunray Gardens

  3. I've decided I have decent conditions for growing roses in Texas, something I didn't have in my shady yard in Arkansas. I'm looking forward to limbering up and planting more next year.

  4. Precisely why I only have 2 roses in my whole garden and one of them is in a container. Ha!! I know I am in the minority. I just like to get in an amongst 'em...and I can't do that with roses, as you have so humorously relayed :-) You could call it rose yoga :-)

  5. You are too funny! And so right LOL. We have 200 roses. I should be an Olympic gymnast by now LOL.

  6. I once weeded under my huge Cecile Brunner and got some thorns stuck at the back of my head. I had to wait for my husband to come home to take them out :). Funny post.

  7. Silly me, the truth of your lovely, funny post did not hit home until you mentioned not stepping on or pulling up any of the companion plants. I will never be a good enough contortionist to pass that test. I guess I'm un-certifiable and would only be a detriment to your garden as I am to mine - sometimes.

  8. FlowerLady - I get all scratched up, too. Although - I'm learning how to bend in a lot of ways I never knew how before!

    Cher - Knock outs want to grow very big! I hope you gave them lots of room. They are one of the thorniest roses, too. Good luck on weeding under them!

    StoBlogger - Oh, I'm so excited you're going to grow roses! I hope you get addicted to them, too!

    toni - Rose yoga! Good name! I have other plants, too, that scratch, like hollies, barberries, and quince. For some reason, I don't have a lot of 'soft' plants. Maybe that's why I love lamb's ear so!

    Cathy and Steve - Yes, with 200 roses you are well on your way to being able to do the splits while bending and turning!

    Masha - Ouch! That does not sound fun! I usually get "stuck" in the rose bush and have to plead for it to let go!

    sherry - I step on a lot of companions, too. And sometimes I get "in" but can't get back out! And there's that one area behind Carefree Celebration - weeds have been growing back there for years. For some reason, I just can't seem to be able to reach all the way back there. I think I'm going to have to crawl on my stomach to get those weeds!

  9. You are so kind and generous, Holley, to offer to share this skill for only a small fee! I wouldn't even be surprised to hear that you'd offered a scholarship program to the right student. What a fun post. :D

  10. Boy I know what you mean. I get thorned every single time.

  11. Ha, too funny!! I feel like a contortionist sometimes weeding or trying to deadhead in my non-thorny garden. I'm sure your rose beds offer much more incentive for the aspiring contortionist!

  12. Tatyana - You must know about "flexible weeding"!

    Stacy - Oh, I never thought about a scholarship program! Smart idea! Yes, I just may have to offer that!

    GWGT - It can make you move in ways you never thought possible, can't it?

    Indie - Yes, although regular plants are fine, thorny plants are really best to learn this craft. An instant reprimand!

  13. 'Gee Whiz' is quite a beauty. Your words ring so true for all rose gardeners... Onward rose gardening soldiers.....

  14. redneckrosarian - Soldiers! I kind of like that imagery.


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